You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize