After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
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