so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Just saw 2 very young girls abandon baby buggys in the Xwalk to fight. Gotta love Holyoke.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I think I sprained my soul last night
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
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