My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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