Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
