sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
