apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
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