I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
