Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
