i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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