census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
