dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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