You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
and you fell through a lawn chair
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
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