Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
