Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Randomize
