i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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