...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
