please come you make the beer taste better
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
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Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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