So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
