yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
