Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
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