You made me cry and you don't even care
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize
