Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
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