Christians are straight up FREAKS
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
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