It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Holy shit dude........stairs
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
