This dress was meant to end up on your floor
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
