if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Randomize
