Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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