Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
