I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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