went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
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I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
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HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
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