sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
whose parrot is this?
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Randomize
