You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
