Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
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