i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
