My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
Just looking for some anal play. An attempting to read atonement. The highbrow/lowbrow divide is striking.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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