I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
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