What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
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Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
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That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
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