why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
