He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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