my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
