it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Randomize
