i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
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