Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
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