I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
