I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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