I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
