Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
