Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
Welp...herpes.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
