I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Randomize
