Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Randomize
