god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
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