Jerry, you need to find god
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
