So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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