Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
We had to coat check the pizza.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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