Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
