Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
