I'm sorry my penis didn't work
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Randomize
