My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
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