i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
This is the high leading the old right now
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Randomize
