I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
