his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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