I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
