i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
