this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I have tasted many bathrooms
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Randomize
