Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
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