Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Randomize
