he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
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