oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
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