Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
