Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
